What are you? The question I get asked almost every day.
My answer I’m Savana.
I know that but I mean What are you? They ask again
The thing is if I tell you “what” I am they look at me different like my sexuality changes me
I am no longer Savana I’m that “sinner” or “confused girl” or “homosexual”
But the thing is I’m no different I’m still me. I just love whoever I love no matter their parts.
I fall in love with peoples minds not their sexual parts.
How does that make me different than you the person who fell in love with you wife’s creativity or the way your husband laughs.
I don’t try to label you for that but you still ask What are you?
You may like labels for yourself but don’t try to force your labels on others. I am
me. I am a seventeen year old girl who loves love. I am Savana. I am me.
My mind was racing my body shakes I can’t breath.
You keep talking asking me the question I don’t need right now.
No No No
You continue to ask making me shake more and panic more
You ask again and I try not to scream
I just stay silent trying to count to calm my nerves
You move closer and try to get me to look at you.
You still won’t shut up.
Please just be quiet my mind begs
You don’t listen. You force yourself on me
I didn’t fight back even though every part of me screamed to
I layed there staring at the cat on the chair wishing I could switch it places
I let you continue though because at least it’s quiet.
Depression, Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and an eating disorder.
Or as my dad likes to call it “Overreacting” “Chicken Littleing” “Being a baby” and “Trying to get attention”.
I try to explain to him that my depression isn’t me overreacting. My depression is sitting in a room full of my friends who all swear they love me and want to be my friends but still feeling as if they all hate me. It’s waking up after sleeping for ten hours and all I want to do is go back to sleep because if I’m awake I have to face life. Life wasn’t cut out for me. I can’t go through the day without believeing that I’d be better off dead. I pray every day that maybe I’ll fall down the stairs and break my neck or have such a bad panic attack that it will turn into a heart attack because life is scary, but my mind is scarier. Every day I go through this constant pain of not being good enough or being hated or even just wanting to fall off a building for no reason. It’s just my mind goes to crazy conclusions and it like’s to outrun itself. So maybe I am overreacting for sleeping all of Saturday but maybe just maybe I’m actually depressed.
Panic it’s the first thing I do when I wake up “Did I miss my alarm?” “What if the clock is off?” “What if the bus came early again?” I go through the thoughts doing everything I can to try to reasure myself as I get ready for school “Does this shirt really go with these pants?” “Will people make fun of me if I wear this old Girl Scout T-shirt?” “What will people think if I wear a bun for the third day in a row” I finally decide I look decent enough and I’m off to school. Once I get there it’s a different story. “Did they jsut point at my dress and laugh?” “What if none of my friends are here today?” “What will people think if I eat this second muffin?” I move on and start my school day but soon realize my phone is broken again. “What if mom try’s to call me?” “Dad’s gonna be so mad. Why couldn’t I remember to turn it off” “What if Anna got hurt? and Lori can’t tell me” The panic continues through out the day and once I get home still panicking. My dad looks at me and says “Stop”Chick Littleing””With an annoyed expression. God I wish it was just “Chicken Littleing.”
My little cousin asks me if I want to make cookies. Of course I do I love baking but all I can think is what if I get something under my nails and I can’t clean it off fast enough? Then I’ll have a panic attack and if I have a panic attack then I’ll have to count. I’m not supposed to count. They say I’m not allowed to use counting as a coping skill but, God all I can do is count when I panic because if I focus hard enough I can see the numbers as I say them and if I can see the numbers I feel better. Then my hands don’t feel gross and I don’t feel like I’m going to explode. They say I can’t but they can’t tell me I can’t because at least i’m not screaming and shaking for no reason at 3 in the morning. I’m just counting the tiles on the kitchen floor and watching as the numbers show up as I do. Then my dad finds me there at three am with greasy fingers from the pizza I tried to eat counting the floor tiles so I don’t scream and wake him up. “Savana Stop, Go to bed”He says but I shake my head and keep on counting because if I can just get to 222 then everything will be okay. “Savana stop being a baby wash your hands and go to bed”He says. I wish I could stop being a baby. I wish I could just do stuff when I want to but if I can’t get to 222 and see the numbers all light up so I can feel better. Then I’ll just have to be a baby.
He gets home and asks me what I ate “Cereal” He rolls his eyes saying “I need to eat healthier”, but what you don’t seem to be able to understand is. If I ate healthier I would just puke it all up because it gets inside my stomach and makes me feel all gross. Until I’m gagging myself so I can feel better. “That’s all I’m comfortable with today”I reply. “Just eat some meat”I wish it was that easy. You telling me what to eat, me eating it then not feeling gross because you told me to do it. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.”I’ll just throw it up”I reply making you glare at me”Stop trying to get attention!” I wish I did it for attention. Then I could stop once I had the attention. Unfortunately this is all chemical imbalances in my brain that make me this way something you can’t fix with a few words. I wish it were that easy.
Have you ever woken up and all you can think about is something bad is going to happen? For example if you don’t have all the books straight on your bookshelf your dad was going to have a heart attack. The example may sounds crazy, to you but to the 3.3 million people (which is only in America) with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, examples like this are a daily experience.
You may think Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is just washing your hands nineteen times except on Sundays because on Sunday’s it’s twenty-two, cleaning your room four times a day because you’re a perfectionist, or making sure all your letters are the same size because they have to be just right, which it could be all of these things but, it’s so much more than that. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an overwhelming fear that if you don’t do something, something terrible will happen.
You get a crazy thought in your head for instance if you don’t snap for every stair you go up or down there will be a earthquake. Now every step you take, you snap, and if the snap isn’t loud enough you have to snap again. What if you forget to snap? Well that sends you into a panic attack because you not snapping while you go up the stairs means there will be an earthquake. If there is an earthquake, then there is a large chance the roof will collapse and if the roof collapses you will get crushed and if you don’t die it will hurt and you’ll be trapped and then you will panic even more. So, every step you take, you snap as loud as you can even if your fingers hurt or you’re too tired because you can’t let there be an earthquake.
People may think well why don’t they just ignore the thought. Well, maybe you some people can, but the thing is, the thought doesn’t go away. It stays there and starts a panic attack that starts your fight or flight response which means your adrenaline is up. Now all they can think about is the thought and what will happen if you don’t do what it says.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder could even be something as simple as you get a thought that there are exactly forty-two floor tiles. You try to ignore it but it keeps repeating itself forty-two floor tiles…..forty-two floor tiles……forty-two floor tiles!……forty-two FLOOR TILES! Now all you can do is think about it so finally you have to count them but, you end up getting forty-one. So you count again this time you get twenty-eight. You have to count again this continues until someone makes you stop or you get forty-two.
All of these examples may all seem crazy to you, but it’s real for everyone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder these examples are their daily lives. The fear controls their lives. They can’t walk up stairs normally or go back to sleep until their books are all straight or even be somewhere with floor tiles without having thoughts that affect their daily lives.
Ever since I was little my grandma has always told people that her favorite thing about me was that “I could be friends with anyone. No matter what our differences were.” What I always replied with was “Why would it matter if we are different? They are just people.” My dad always said “You’re too trusting of people. You don’t even know them.” They were people and most of the time I didn’t know them but the thing is I trust in people. How are people supposed to trust in me if I don’t trust in them?
Everyone is created equal. Everyone meaning no one is excluded no matter their religion, race, gender or lack thereof, or sexuality. They all should have the same rights and should never be made fun of for being themselves. No one should ever be excluded or treated any differently because we were all created equal. I believe in the people.
I believe that everyone has their own story. They all have their own reasons why they do something whether it’s good or bad.They all have their own reasons you shouldn’t judge anyone for anything until you know their reasons for doing something.
“And each of us can practice rights ourselves, treating each other without discrimination, respecting each other’s dignity and rights. “~ Carol Bellamy. I believe in human rights, I believe in equality, I believe in freedom of speech, I believe in everyone being able to be themselves, but most of all I believe in people.
I couldn’t breath, exhaustion set in I just wanted to sleep, the burning in my chest made me want to cry out. “I was gonna kiss you if you hadn’t stopped” you said smirking. I wanted to vomit”That wouldn’t of helped””I can see it in your eyes you want to kiss me”No. Please. Stop. No. “No. No I didn’t”I say more demanding this time. He inched closer and I turn my head away.”I know you want to”He says annoyed. I started to panic more picking at the fuzz on my leggings. This time he grabs my face pulling me closer. Maybe he will stop talking about it. If I just let him do it once he’ll stop. His lips touch mine before he pushes his tongue down throat I try to pull away but he holds his grip on the back of my neck.
I was pinned down my wrists and thighs hurt with the grip on them. The pressure building between my legs made me want to scream but no sound escaped. Please God make it stop. It hurt so bad. God please.
The pressure stopped and I opened my eyes realizing it was just a flashback but, there was a new boy with his tongue down my throat making me choke on it. He saw my opened eyes and pulled back smirking at me. before he pushed his hands under my shirt they were cold but seemed to burn my flesh.He grabbed my boobs next hard making me whimper. He didn’t care though he moved his lips to suck on them them hurt even more. I stared over his shoulder at the cat that sat in the chair next to the bed forgetting about the pain in my breasts I completely shut down. I don’t know how much time passed but the pain came back and I reached for my phone texting my aunt to come and get me”Sorry I have to go Chloe’s sick” I lie”No I don’t want you to leave”He says”Just stay the night”He says”No I can’t I have to go take care of Chloe”I say He jumps up blocking the door and pointing to a gun laying on his shelf”I can’t live without you. I’ll just blow my brains out. I can’t lose you. Your the only thing that makes me happy”He says”You need to find happiness in other things not people”I say hoping he wouldn’t get angry”I don’t think it’s bad for a person as beautiful as you to make me happy”He says I feel disgusting “I look at my phone “I really have to go I’ll see you tomorrow”I say quickly going past him and out the door.
It’s almost two weeks later and I still feel disgusting. My body isn’t mine anymore it’s just a disgusting shell containing my soul. I try to shower and scrub until my whole body stings but it’s still there my whole body covered in a gross layer of him everyplace he has touched feels broken like they are no longer mine. My body’s not mine. It’s not beautiful. If I have to go through that to be beautiful. I never want to be beautiful
“Mom please wake up”
“I’m sorry I’ll do my spelling homework”
“Mom! Wake up!”
“Help please! My Mom won’t wake up!”
“What’s wrong with her!?! Help her please!”
“I don’t know she was talking to me then she didn’t respond so I opened the door and she was asleep on the floor”
“Daddy! I missed you. The lady thought you were dead too they were gonna take me to stay somewhere else”
“This is my room. My doll house. No I like it here. Is my mom okay?”
“But, is she okay?”
*2 Month Later*
“Is mom still alive?”
“I don’t care what she did! Is she okay?”
“I just want my mom!……Don’t touch me!”
“Mom please be okay I love you. I’ll be good. I promise to always do my homework and I’ll take the dogs out. Just please be okay mom”
*4 Months Later*
“I missed you too. I love you. I missed you mom.”
“No one would tell me if you were alive. I’m so happy your alive”
“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals” This quote from Zig Ziglar, is very important to think about when creating a bucket list. Being able to get as many things checked off in a short period of time is not what’s important; it’s about the experiences you have and how they change you.
I have many accomplishments I would like to make before I die. The most important to me is getting my degree in special needs children ministry. Through attaining this goal, I can accomplish other goals such as: making a difference, helping people with their walk with Christ, and making myself proud. I believe this is God’s plan for me to show people Him through ministering to kids that have a special place in my heart. I also want to fight for people’s rights. I have always believed everyone should have the same rights; no one should be discriminated for his or her sexual preference, race, sexual orientation, and religion.
I have many fears I would like to conquer. Currently my biggest one is learning to control my OCD. It has been controlling my life for awhile now, and I don’t like how frustrated it makes me. I hope in the future I will have learned to better control it and not be as scared over things because of it. I would like in the future to be able to be spontaneous. The thought of doing things spontaneously actually terrifies me. I want to be able to spontaneously take a trip or make a cake and not have to think twice about it. I also would like to conquer my stage fright I love singing and acting, but i’m always to scared to perform in front of people.
There are many things that come to mind when I think of things I want to do, one of which, that revolves around most of them, is going on a mission trip abroad. When I do this, I want to learn about the different cultures and immerse myself in them. I love learning about people’s thoughts and feelings about their religions, and holidays, and foods. I would love to document of this in videos and post them online for other people that maybe wouldn’t be able to do these kinds of things to be able to experience it along with me.
In conclusion, I really would like to just live and make the world a better place as I do so. I want people to feel God’s love just as I have, and I want to learn the whole time as I do so.
Count to 5.
Tap Tap Tap.
1 1 2 2 4 4 8
You are here. You made it through. You are alive.
How many tiles? 57? No it has to be even or a double number. It can’t be 57. Count again. 53? No! 5’s and 3’s can’t go together. Count again! 1 2 3 4….wait that has a crack does it count for two or none or one? Count again! 56? But it was 57…. Count again! 51? No! Count again! Count again! Count again! Count a-count-co-count ag-COUNT AGAIN!